Spotter's Badges: August-September

Of course, all of it will quite obviously not happen.

Samir Nasri is reported to be undergoing a medical at Manchester City. Two points

Samir Nasri actually plays football – actually plays football - for Manchester City. Thirty points

Neil Warnock uses the phrase “great bunch of lads” after a defeat of three or more goals. Five points

Harry Redknapp makes a deadline-day bid for the Spanish autonomous province of Andalusia. Six points

Transfer deadline day concludes with several mid-sized transfers hurriedly concluded and several mid-sized transfers left hurriedly unconcluded. The yellow Sky Sports News ticker leaps off the bottom of the screen and throttles Jim White. Four hundred and fifty points

Television audiences miss a goal in Brazil’s friendly against Ghana as the camera is busy leering at a bikini-clad woman in the crowd. Ten points

Phil Brown’s autobiography, Bloody Hell I Am Great At What I Do, is serialised in a Sunday newspaper. Seventy points

A bead of sweat forms on Steve Kean’s brow. One point

Michael Owen attends a game at Old Trafford dressed in a waistcoat and top hat. Five points

Owen Coyle says “There’s no doubt about that” in a post-match interview. One point

Transfer offers from Premier League managers are met with a stony silence from clubs across Europe. A crisis meeting of Premier League executives lurches into its third day before an intern suggests that it may be because nobody else in Europe has used a fax machine since 1991. Seven hundred points

Owen Coyle says “There’s no question about that” in a post-match interview. One point

Somebody whose job is manifestly not to score goals is criticised for not scoring enough goals. Two points

John Gregory finally cashes in his air miles and flies to the moon in business class. Sixty points

Gaƫl Clichy falls over and/or plays everybody onside and/or or faces the wrong way while defending a corner. One point

On Match of the Day 2, Lee Dixon begins a sentence with “as a full-back”. Four points

Jamie Carragher makes a full-blooded, last-ditch, balls-out-of-the-bath tackle to deny a near-certain goal. The commentator notes “How many times have we seen Jamie Carragher save Liverpool with inspirational moments like that?” Three points

The commentator also notes that Jamie Carragher may not have had to make a full-blooded, last-ditch, balls-out-of-the-bath tackle had he not been hopelessly out of position in the first place. A million points

Owen Coyle refers to the English top-flight as the “Barclays Premier League” three or more times in a press conference. Two points

Joleon Lescott’s autobiography, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Become Fabulously Wealthy, is serialised on gold leaf in a Sunday newspaper. Ninety-four thousand points a week

The same Sunday newspaper reports, on regular paper, that John Gregory is in advanced talks to become manager of the moon’s national team. Between mouthfuls of succulent moon-cheese, Sepp Blatter controversially declares the earth’s satellite a full FIFA member. Fifteen points

A Thomas Hitzlsperger volley tears asunder the very fabric of space and time. A great cosmic rift yawns wide like the maw of history. Civilizations are born, empires crumble, the sweeping majesty of space is, for the briefest moment, reflected in the eye of every being on the planet. Wolfsburg win 2-1. Seven points

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