Of course, all of it will quite obviously not happen.
Samir Nasri is reported to be undergoing a medical at Manchester City. Two points
Samir Nasri actually plays football – actually plays football - for Manchester City. Thirty points
Neil Warnock uses the phrase “great bunch of lads” after a defeat of three or more goals. Five points
Harry Redknapp makes a deadline-day bid for the Spanish autonomous province of Andalusia. Six points
Transfer deadline day concludes with several mid-sized transfers hurriedly concluded and several mid-sized transfers left hurriedly unconcluded. The yellow Sky Sports News ticker leaps off the bottom of the screen and throttles Jim White. Four hundred and fifty points
Television audiences miss a goal in Brazil’s friendly against Ghana as the camera is busy leering at a bikini-clad woman in the crowd. Ten points
Phil Brown’s autobiography, Bloody Hell I Am Great At What I Do, is serialised in a Sunday newspaper. Seventy points
A bead of sweat forms on Steve Kean’s brow. One point
Michael Owen attends a game at Old Trafford dressed in a waistcoat and top hat. Five points
Owen Coyle says “There’s no doubt about that” in a post-match interview. One point
Transfer offers from Premier League managers are met with a stony silence from clubs across Europe. A crisis meeting of Premier League executives lurches into its third day before an intern suggests that it may be because nobody else in Europe has used a fax machine since 1991. Seven hundred points
Owen Coyle says “There’s no question about that” in a post-match interview. One point
Somebody whose job is manifestly not to score goals is criticised for not scoring enough goals. Two points
John Gregory finally cashes in his air miles and flies to the moon in business class. Sixty points
Gaël Clichy falls over and/or plays everybody onside and/or or faces the wrong way while defending a corner. One point
On Match of the Day 2, Lee Dixon begins a sentence with “as a full-back”. Four points
Jamie Carragher makes a full-blooded, last-ditch, balls-out-of-the-bath tackle to deny a near-certain goal. The commentator notes “How many times have we seen Jamie Carragher save Liverpool with inspirational moments like that?” Three points
The commentator also notes that Jamie Carragher may not have had to make a full-blooded, last-ditch, balls-out-of-the-bath tackle had he not been hopelessly out of position in the first place. A million points
Owen Coyle refers to the English top-flight as the “Barclays Premier League” three or more times in a press conference. Two points
Joleon Lescott’s autobiography, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Become Fabulously Wealthy, is serialised on gold leaf in a Sunday newspaper. Ninety-four thousand points a week
The same Sunday newspaper reports, on regular paper, that John Gregory is in advanced talks to become manager of the moon’s national team. Between mouthfuls of succulent moon-cheese, Sepp Blatter controversially declares the earth’s satellite a full FIFA member. Fifteen points
A Thomas Hitzlsperger volley tears asunder the very fabric of space and time. A great cosmic rift yawns wide like the maw of history. Civilizations are born, empires crumble, the sweeping majesty of space is, for the briefest moment, reflected in the eye of every being on the planet. Wolfsburg win 2-1. Seven points
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