Mr Popular 2012-13 |
November
Rafa Benítez takes over at Chelsea. Despite the cacophony of
disapproval that he endures during his first game, a 0-0 draw at home to
Manchester City, the Spaniard remains optimistic about gaining popular support
in the job. “I think if we can win games and show quality, we can win the fans
over too, no?” he says.
The next match, a 4-0 win over Fulham, is overshadowed by
the Chelsea fans burning an effigy of Benítez outside Stamford Bridge before chanting
Roberto Di Matteo’s name for ninety minutes. When asked what his reaction to
this reception is, Rafa maintains that he was concentrating on the game and did
not notice any commotion.
December
Rafa begins his first full month in charge by pulling Eden
Hazard, Juan Mata and Oscar aside at training and presenting them with several hours’
worth of footage of Denis Irwin. “Go home and study this,” he tells them,
“Irwin always worked hard and remained organised. If instructed, he would
gladly have stripped naked and leaped into a vat of acid for the team. You can
learn everything from this man.”
Chelsea win all of their fixtures without conceding a goal, going
top of the Premier League, progressing in the Champions League and collecting
the Club World Cup trophy in the process. “I think Rafa was very lucky,”
harrumphs Sir Alex Ferguson, “Any fool could have kept nine clean sheets in a
month with those players.” Rafa does not dignify these remarks with a response.
Fernando Torres does not score in any of the matches played in December.
January
James Milner is signed for £60m from title rivals Manchester
City. “James can be our Gerrard, no?” Rafa tells the flabbergasted press,
“Except that, unlike Stevie, he will work hard and remain organised. He is
maybe like Stevie mixed with Dirk.” On the same day, Rafa signs Mats Hummels to
replace David Luiz, who will from now on operate as a striker. Deadline day
sees Fábio Aurélio arrive from Grêmio.
Chelsea win all four of their league matches without
conceding a goal, breeze through their FA Cup games and reach the League Cup
Final. Following Arsenal’s 3-0 defeat at Stamford Bridge, Arsène Wenger
declares Benítez “a purveyor of football so miserable that I may retire in
protest at his continued employment.” David Luiz ends the month averaging two goals
a game but Fernando Torres is still to score.
The Sun runs a
poll asking “Is this the most miserable time to be a Chelsea fan EVER?” 100% of
votes cast are in the affirmative.
February
Frank Lampard complains to the press that he hasn’t started
a league match since October. Eden Hazard complains to the press that he is
being used primarily in a ‘false two’ role at full-back. Ashley Cole is given the
opportunity to complain to the press but instead becomes embroiled in
controversy of his own as he describes his own fans as “f**king d**kheads, the
lot of them.”
When asked whether relationships with his players are
becoming strained, Rafa responds “Not at all: Carra and Stevie still text me
every day; Reina called me last night; I see Fernando here. There is no problem. We just have to keep
working hard and remain organised.”
Chelsea win all of their league matches without conceding a
goal, reach the FA Cup quarters and win the League Cup, beating Arsenal 2-0 in
the final. Borussia Dortmund are effortlessly beaten in the Champions League round
of sixteen. Having assisted a phenomenal seventeen goals, James Milner is named
Premier League Player of the Month. David Luiz moves ahead of Robin Van Persie
as the league’s top scorer. Fernando Torres, however, is still goalless under
Benítez’s management. Fans continue to protest outside Stamford Bridge,
demanding Rafa’s immediate removal. “How that incompetent waiter’s hanging on
there, I don’t know,” says Sir Alex Ferguson. Rafa holds his tongue.
March
Juan Mata politely asks Rafa if he may be allowed to do some
attacking in Chelsea’s upcoming fixtures. Rafa refuses his request, pointing
out that Mata has now won more tackles than any other player in Europe while
ranking third and fourth in similar charts for interceptions made and
clearances attempted. With Chelsea leading West Ham 3-0 in the FA Cup
quarter-final, Mata attempts a through-ball and is immediately replaced by Ryan
Bertrand.
Despite the month having begun with comfortable victories away
to Newcastle and at home to Wigan, Chelsea are plunged into turmoil as
Manchester City become the first side to score against them in six months.
“Winning 6-1 is just not good enough,” says an irate Chelsea fan on Sky Sports
News, “if I’m honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was Rafa gone. We’d all
be glad to see the back of him anyway.” Rafa notes that, despite this setback,
Chelsea need only one point from their remaining fixtures to win the Premier
League.
April
A 7-0 victory over Sunderland sees Chelsea clinch the title
in some style. James Milner assists all seven goals and David Luiz’s four-goal
haul takes his tally to thirty for the season. Towards the end of the game,
Fernando Torres is presented with the chance to make it 8-0 but loses his
footing and, with it, the ball. The striker has now played over 3,000 minutes
of football without scoring. Sir Alex Ferguson, magnanimous as ever, declares
Rafa’s title triumph “the amateurish work of a meddling halfwit.” Rafa thinks
long and hard about a riposte but instead decides to work hard and remain
organised.
Following victory in the FA Cup semi-final, Real Madrid are
swatted aside in the Champions League semi-final. The aggregate score finishes
9-0 to Chelsea. José Mourinho refuses to acknowledge Rafa at any point,
preferring instead to speak cordially with Benítez’s assistant, Bolo Zenden.
Chelsea’s fans unveil a banner at Stamford Bridge that reads ‘JOSÉ 4EVA’. A
separate banner depicts Rafa’s face with a vulgar euphemism for the female
genitalia stamped on his forehead.
“When I grow up, I want to be David Luiz,” says Lionel
Messi.
May
James Milner and David Luiz split the goals as Chelsea win 4-0 at Old Trafford. “I thought they were very fortunate,” says Sir Alex Ferguson, “When you consider that Rafa didn’t actually score any of the goals, I don’t think he deserves any credit whatsoever.” Presented with this appraisal by Geoff Shreeves, Rafa finally snaps. “I did not want to speak about these things. I have tried not to respond to Ferguson’s provocations but the fact is that he wouldn’t recognise a real tactician if one punched him in the face.” As if to prove this point, he strides over to the purple-nosed Scot and punches him in the face. John Terry and Ashley Cole, recognising a premeditated act of immorality when they see one, discover a new and profound respect for Benítez and lobby to have him hired on a permanent basis.
Rafa adds the FA Cup to his ever-growing list of trophies
won at Stamford Bridge, but the 5-0 win over Swansea in the final is greeted
with boos and jeers from the Chelsea support. Having derided Rafa’s tactics as
“so defensive they made my spleen ache”, Alan Shearer bills the Champions
League final as make or break.
In the final, David Luiz’s breathtaking hat-trick is matched
by another from Lionel Messi and Chelsea lose to Barcelona on penalties.
Fernando Torres, having to score to keep his team in it, shanks his spot-kick
four yards wide of the post. Roman Abramovich sends Bruce Buck down to sack
Rafa in the Wembley tunnel.
West London rejoices like never before, with the sound of popping
champagne corks clearly audible as far away as Basingstoke. After a frenetic period
of speculation and jingoistic media promotion of Harry Redknapp, Fabio Capello
is named as the new Chelsea manager. Fleet Street goes into mourning.
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By Rob Brown. Follow him on Twitter: @robbro7
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By Rob Brown. Follow him on Twitter: @robbro7