Rafa's Chelsea: A Journal

Mr Popular 2012-13

November

Rafa Benítez takes over at Chelsea. Despite the cacophony of disapproval that he endures during his first game, a 0-0 draw at home to Manchester City, the Spaniard remains optimistic about gaining popular support in the job. “I think if we can win games and show quality, we can win the fans over too, no?” he says.

The next match, a 4-0 win over Fulham, is overshadowed by the Chelsea fans burning an effigy of Benítez outside Stamford Bridge before chanting Roberto Di Matteo’s name for ninety minutes. When asked what his reaction to this reception is, Rafa maintains that he was concentrating on the game and did not notice any commotion.

December

Rafa begins his first full month in charge by pulling Eden Hazard, Juan Mata and Oscar aside at training and presenting them with several hours’ worth of footage of Denis Irwin. “Go home and study this,” he tells them, “Irwin always worked hard and remained organised. If instructed, he would gladly have stripped naked and leaped into a vat of acid for the team. You can learn everything from this man.”

Chelsea win all of their fixtures without conceding a goal, going top of the Premier League, progressing in the Champions League and collecting the Club World Cup trophy in the process. “I think Rafa was very lucky,” harrumphs Sir Alex Ferguson, “Any fool could have kept nine clean sheets in a month with those players.” Rafa does not dignify these remarks with a response. Fernando Torres does not score in any of the matches played in December.

January

James Milner is signed for £60m from title rivals Manchester City. “James can be our Gerrard, no?” Rafa tells the flabbergasted press, “Except that, unlike Stevie, he will work hard and remain organised. He is maybe like Stevie mixed with Dirk.” On the same day, Rafa signs Mats Hummels to replace David Luiz, who will from now on operate as a striker. Deadline day sees Fábio Aurélio arrive from Grêmio.

Chelsea win all four of their league matches without conceding a goal, breeze through their FA Cup games and reach the League Cup Final. Following Arsenal’s 3-0 defeat at Stamford Bridge, Arsène Wenger declares Benítez “a purveyor of football so miserable that I may retire in protest at his continued employment.” David Luiz ends the month averaging two goals a game but Fernando Torres is still to score.

The Sun runs a poll asking “Is this the most miserable time to be a Chelsea fan EVER?” 100% of votes cast are in the affirmative.

February

Frank Lampard complains to the press that he hasn’t started a league match since October. Eden Hazard complains to the press that he is being used primarily in a ‘false two’ role at full-back. Ashley Cole is given the opportunity to complain to the press but instead becomes embroiled in controversy of his own as he describes his own fans as “f**king d**kheads, the lot of them.”

When asked whether relationships with his players are becoming strained, Rafa responds “Not at all: Carra and Stevie still text me every day; Reina called me last night; I see Fernando here. There is no problem. We just have to keep working hard and remain organised.”

Chelsea win all of their league matches without conceding a goal, reach the FA Cup quarters and win the League Cup, beating Arsenal 2-0 in the final. Borussia Dortmund are effortlessly beaten in the Champions League round of sixteen. Having assisted a phenomenal seventeen goals, James Milner is named Premier League Player of the Month. David Luiz moves ahead of Robin Van Persie as the league’s top scorer. Fernando Torres, however, is still goalless under Benítez’s management. Fans continue to protest outside Stamford Bridge, demanding Rafa’s immediate removal. “How that incompetent waiter’s hanging on there, I don’t know,” says Sir Alex Ferguson. Rafa holds his tongue.

March

Juan Mata politely asks Rafa if he may be allowed to do some attacking in Chelsea’s upcoming fixtures. Rafa refuses his request, pointing out that Mata has now won more tackles than any other player in Europe while ranking third and fourth in similar charts for interceptions made and clearances attempted. With Chelsea leading West Ham 3-0 in the FA Cup quarter-final, Mata attempts a through-ball and is immediately replaced by Ryan Bertrand.

Despite the month having begun with comfortable victories away to Newcastle and at home to Wigan, Chelsea are plunged into turmoil as Manchester City become the first side to score against them in six months. “Winning 6-1 is just not good enough,” says an irate Chelsea fan on Sky Sports News, “if I’m honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was Rafa gone. We’d all be glad to see the back of him anyway.” Rafa notes that, despite this setback, Chelsea need only one point from their remaining fixtures to win the Premier League.

April

A 7-0 victory over Sunderland sees Chelsea clinch the title in some style. James Milner assists all seven goals and David Luiz’s four-goal haul takes his tally to thirty for the season. Towards the end of the game, Fernando Torres is presented with the chance to make it 8-0 but loses his footing and, with it, the ball. The striker has now played over 3,000 minutes of football without scoring. Sir Alex Ferguson, magnanimous as ever, declares Rafa’s title triumph “the amateurish work of a meddling halfwit.” Rafa thinks long and hard about a riposte but instead decides to work hard and remain organised.

Following victory in the FA Cup semi-final, Real Madrid are swatted aside in the Champions League semi-final. The aggregate score finishes 9-0 to Chelsea. José Mourinho refuses to acknowledge Rafa at any point, preferring instead to speak cordially with Benítez’s assistant, Bolo Zenden. Chelsea’s fans unveil a banner at Stamford Bridge that reads ‘JOSÉ 4EVA’. A separate banner depicts Rafa’s face with a vulgar euphemism for the female genitalia stamped on his forehead.

“When I grow up, I want to be David Luiz,” says Lionel Messi.

May
James Milner and David Luiz split the goals as Chelsea win 4-0 at Old Trafford. “I thought they were very fortunate,” says Sir Alex Ferguson, “When you consider that Rafa didn’t actually score any of the goals, I don’t think he deserves any credit whatsoever.” Presented with this appraisal by Geoff Shreeves, Rafa finally snaps. “I did not want to speak about these things. I have tried not to respond to Ferguson’s provocations but the fact is that he wouldn’t recognise a real tactician if one punched him in the face.” As if to prove this point, he strides over to the purple-nosed Scot and punches him in the face. John Terry and Ashley Cole, recognising a premeditated act of immorality when they see one, discover a new and profound respect for Benítez and lobby to have him hired on a permanent basis.

Rafa adds the FA Cup to his ever-growing list of trophies won at Stamford Bridge, but the 5-0 win over Swansea in the final is greeted with boos and jeers from the Chelsea support. Having derided Rafa’s tactics as “so defensive they made my spleen ache”, Alan Shearer bills the Champions League final as make or break.

In the final, David Luiz’s breathtaking hat-trick is matched by another from Lionel Messi and Chelsea lose to Barcelona on penalties. Fernando Torres, having to score to keep his team in it, shanks his spot-kick four yards wide of the post. Roman Abramovich sends Bruce Buck down to sack Rafa in the Wembley tunnel.

West London rejoices like never before, with the sound of popping champagne corks clearly audible as far away as Basingstoke. After a frenetic period of speculation and jingoistic media promotion of Harry Redknapp, Fabio Capello is named as the new Chelsea manager. Fleet Street goes into mourning.

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By Rob Brown. Follow him on Twitter: @robbro7

The Plan to Make Arsenal Invincible Again

Photo: AP/Getty

Once again Arsenal took a hiding in Europe, and once again the violins are well and truly out in North London. Social networks are a mad mélange of disappointment and bloodlust, with every possible scapegoat being blamed. It’s not the first time, and, sadly, it won’t be the last. As an impartial observer, it shouldn’t affect me, but it does. This maudlin mewling has gone on far too long, and it has to stop. Now.

The only way to end this is to give the fans what they want. There are too many calling for change and their number grows each time their demands are ignored. Below is an action plan designed to satisfy those supporters and return their club to the good old days. If this plan is followed, Arsenal will soon regain their rightful status as kings of the world and the noise will go away. They will beat Real Madrid at the Bernabéu, put five past Inter in the San Siro and win loads and loads of shiny silverware. Since Arsène Wenger has never once provided glory of this kind, it’s time for him to fall on his sword and for us to re-embrace the values which originally made Arsenal famous – or, at least, values espoused by the Emirates faithful.

The Plan to Make Arsenal Invincible Again

To go:

Arsène Wenger – Obviously. The guy’s insane.

Stan Kroenke/Alisher Usmanov – Sitting on a pot of gold big enough to buy eleven Messis and not spending a penny. Take a hike, boys.

Colin Lewin – The head of the world’s most laughable physiotherapy department and a curse on the club.

Gervinho – As a frustrating Francophone from a war-torn African nation, he could barely be a more Wenger-type player – but he’s a failure on a more basic level than that: no-one with that haircut should represent the Arsenal. Ever.

Aaron Ramsey – All potential, no product. So unpopular at the Emirates that some Gooners are forming plans to Shawcross him themselves.

Per Mertesacker – In addition to a lack of pace so crippling that he often resembles a tranquilised elephant, it’s worth pointing out that Arsenal are going to war for their future here – and Germans lose wars. (Podolski is Polish: he can stay.)

Santi Cazorla – Spanish playmakers are very much en vogue but let’s cut to the chase: he’s not good enough for Barça or Real and doesn’t get in Spain’s first team, so he’s not good enough for Arsenal. Also: look at him. When enemy shells are raining down in the trenches, do you want to have to rely on an Iberian midget to save your bacon?

Mikel Arteta – See above.

Bacary Sagna – He’s never won a trophy for Arsenal and wants to leave. Let him go: more watchable options are available.

André Santos – The worst player ever to play for Arsenal bar none.

Marouane Chamakh, Andrey Arshavin, Nicklas Bendtner, Sébastien Squillaci, Tomáš Rosický, Laurent Koscielny, Johann Djourou, Denílson, Vito Mannone, Park Chu-Young, Łukasz Fabiański, etc – Not fit to wear the shirt. If a buyer can’t be found, give them to Oxfam or Joseph Kony depending on your mood.

To come in:

Andy Carroll – Good in the air? Check. English? Check. Well-publicised fondness for a drink or twenty? Check. He’s practically the new Tony Adams before he’s started. A few hours learning his new position on the training ground and he’ll be as good as Mr Arsenal himself.

Ryan Shawcross – The perfect partner for Carroll. The Emirates faithful may take a while to warm to him given previous transgressions, but all will be forgiven once they see an actual no-nonsense centre-back doing his job. Plus, with Rambo gone, dressing room issues would be minimal.

Lee Cattermole – The leader Arsenal need. The sort of soldier you want covering your back. The key player in a midfield so nasty that visiting sides will be scared to leave the dressing room and step onto the field.

Cheick Tioté – An ideal back-up for Cattermole given the likelihood of lengthy suspension being incurred. Regrettably French-speaking, but a veritable psychopath and proven in the Premier League. A proper Arsenal player.

Mohamed Diamé – Six-foot-plus, Senegalese and capable of killing a man with a single stare. Finally, an adequate replacement for Patrick Vieira.

Ashley Cole – Controversial, but with his contract up in June and Chelsea looking to shift him, it would be madness to leave the best left-back in the world to sign for another club. Let bygones be bygones, stump up the cash and bring Ashley home.

Fraser Forster – Did you see him in Camp Nou the other night? Exactly. No further scouting required.

Phil Jagielka – Passion. Commitment. Desire. Fans love a trier and the Everton man is effort personified. A symbol of the new Arsenal.

Tony Pulis – The manager all Gooners secretly want. Arsenal fans hate his Stoke side simply because Stoke are the club Arsenal once were: unashamedly long-ball, uncompromising at the back and viciously physical. Pulis is the modern day George Graham – minus the bungs, I imagine – and the perfect figurehead to lead Arsenal’s rebirth.

Lance Armstrong – As previously stated, being much worse than Colin Lewin is a big ask. Armstrong presents no such fears: he’s a man worth appointing for his contacts list alone, and one who will give the squad a shot in the arm – perhaps more literally than is ideal. Recent revelations mean this one will probably have to be kept quiet.

Mark Zuckerberg – Someone’s gotta pay for all of this, you know. It may as well be a billionaire everyone’s familiar and happy with already.

The Invincibles (2013/14 edition):

Football fans don’t ask for much: just a constant stream of beautiful success, preferably achieved by passionate players to whom they can relate. This side delivers that and then some: a home-grown English spine; a return to the traditional 4-4-2 formation; a midfield duo that kills first and asks questions many years after retirement. It’s all there.

Best of all, it guarantees the development of its own icons. Theo Walcott will become the player Thierry Henry could have been if only he wasn’t so French-speaking. Injury-free Jack Wilshere will be so brilliant that most Gooners will forget that Dennis Bergkamp ever existed. Lee Cattermole will become the first player ever to be imprisoned for a murder committed on a football pitch. Put simply, this lot will be invincible.

Arsenal fans: you have been given The Plan to Make Arsenal Invincible Again. I personally guarantee its success. Now it is down to you to make this a reality. Failing that: shut up.

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Tell Rob he's wrong here.

Things Joleon Lescott Acquired This Month

Jimi Hendrix's First Record Deal

Royal Wootton Bassett

Crown Jewels of Serbia

Michael Stipe

'Why Always Me?' T-Shirt

This month was a modest one for Joleon - the financial crisis in the euro-zone is having profound effects even on the super-super-super-rich. In the grip of such fear, Lescott managed to limit his spending to a mere £250,020,015 of his estimated £24.6bn monthly salary.

He plans to spend the next four weeks exploring his new Wiltshire dominion with his vegetarian indie-God man-servant.

Spotter's Badges: October

It's all lies. But, in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is no.

Leaked documents reveal that Portsmouth’s financial adviser for the fiscal year 2006-07 was a used-car salesman named Impossible Dave. Minus one hundred and nineteen million points

A pundit describes Andrea Pirlo’s performance against Palermo as “among his best work since Truly, Madly, Deeply”. Fifty points

Are hat-tricks getting easier to score, Richard? Ten points

A BBC4 documentary uses time-lapse photography to show how a transfer to Manchester City turned Owen Hargreaves from luckless doe-eyed try-hard to pestilent turncoat in the space of ten minutes. Thirty points

Ryan Shawcross is ruled out for a month after suffering a breach to the outer hull. Stoke manager Tony Pulis snaps up a wardrobe from IKEA’s Birkelund collection as emergency cover. “He’s very promising. Sturdy, disciplined and encouragingly roomy.” Eleven points

The Spanish papers are full of praise about how Unai Emery has matured during his spell as Valencia coach. “He’s matured during his spell as Valencia coach,” says one leading pundit. “I mean, I loved the callous whimsy of his performance in Withnail & I as much as anyone, but this season he’s really shown he can knuckle down and organise a back four as well as swig lighter fluid in old Camden Town.” Twelve points

The above comments are published in a Madrid daily and read by only six people, all of whom waded tenaciously through the first eight pages about Cristiano Ronaldo, the special twenty-page Cristiano Ronaldo pullout and the new Ronaldo News In Brief sidebar. Three points

A football blog makes essentially the same joke twice in its Spotter’s Badges feature, and hopes nobody notices. One point

Everybody notices. A further point

In a press conference, a manager expresses the fervent hope that his team wins its upcoming football match. Two points

Bolton Wanderers play football the right way in their 3-0 home loss to Sunderland. Five points

The Department for Work and Pensions orders an extensive inquiry into what odious trackie-rodent Sammy Lee actually does for a living, other than jumping around a lot and ensuring that there will always be a reason to dislike Liverpool. Five hundred points