Things Joleon Lescott Acquired This Month

Jimi Hendrix's First Record Deal

Royal Wootton Bassett

Crown Jewels of Serbia

Michael Stipe

'Why Always Me?' T-Shirt

This month was a modest one for Joleon - the financial crisis in the euro-zone is having profound effects even on the super-super-super-rich. In the grip of such fear, Lescott managed to limit his spending to a mere £250,020,015 of his estimated £24.6bn monthly salary.

He plans to spend the next four weeks exploring his new Wiltshire dominion with his vegetarian indie-God man-servant.

Things Joleon Lescott Acquired This Month

The following is a fabrication, of course.

Diamond Encrusted iPad

Cast of Rodin’s Adam

Zeppelin NT02 Airship

Personal Effects of Mahatma Gandhi

Burundi

The Parliament of Norway Building

The value of Lescott’s September purchases totalled around £4.1 billion – a quarter of his income for the month.