Spotter's Badges: October

It's all lies. But, in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is no.

Leaked documents reveal that Portsmouth’s financial adviser for the fiscal year 2006-07 was a used-car salesman named Impossible Dave. Minus one hundred and nineteen million points

A pundit describes Andrea Pirlo’s performance against Palermo as “among his best work since Truly, Madly, Deeply”. Fifty points

Are hat-tricks getting easier to score, Richard? Ten points

A BBC4 documentary uses time-lapse photography to show how a transfer to Manchester City turned Owen Hargreaves from luckless doe-eyed try-hard to pestilent turncoat in the space of ten minutes. Thirty points

Ryan Shawcross is ruled out for a month after suffering a breach to the outer hull. Stoke manager Tony Pulis snaps up a wardrobe from IKEA’s Birkelund collection as emergency cover. “He’s very promising. Sturdy, disciplined and encouragingly roomy.” Eleven points

The Spanish papers are full of praise about how Unai Emery has matured during his spell as Valencia coach. “He’s matured during his spell as Valencia coach,” says one leading pundit. “I mean, I loved the callous whimsy of his performance in Withnail & I as much as anyone, but this season he’s really shown he can knuckle down and organise a back four as well as swig lighter fluid in old Camden Town.” Twelve points

The above comments are published in a Madrid daily and read by only six people, all of whom waded tenaciously through the first eight pages about Cristiano Ronaldo, the special twenty-page Cristiano Ronaldo pullout and the new Ronaldo News In Brief sidebar. Three points

A football blog makes essentially the same joke twice in its Spotter’s Badges feature, and hopes nobody notices. One point

Everybody notices. A further point

In a press conference, a manager expresses the fervent hope that his team wins its upcoming football match. Two points

Bolton Wanderers play football the right way in their 3-0 home loss to Sunderland. Five points

The Department for Work and Pensions orders an extensive inquiry into what odious trackie-rodent Sammy Lee actually does for a living, other than jumping around a lot and ensuring that there will always be a reason to dislike Liverpool. Five hundred points